[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
put ‘er there pardner!
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Phones down.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad