Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You Might Also Like
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
how to exercise your calf muscles
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
No, he would not have.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Got him!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”