I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
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I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Butt weight. There’s more!
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off