I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
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Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m already scared
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane