I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
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[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?