I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You Might Also Like
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.