me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
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“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Bootstraps
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
$4 #usedbooks
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring