[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I’m calling the cops.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?