A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
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I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
I think about this a lot
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Called it
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.