“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
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You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
mom gave me mine for free
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Look at this
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor