This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
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Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Going into Monday like
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.