[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
why isn’t he texting back
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.