Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……馃槀馃槀
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yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Received some very disappointing news today
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you鈥檙e wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
ME: I鈥檒l take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.