“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me