January is lasting longer than my marriage
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
*updates tinder bio*
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.