Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
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Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
New tinder profile pic
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.