i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
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My time has come.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I unironically love this joke.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]