[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
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ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter: