Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
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I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Sell your car
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.