The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
You Might Also Like
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.