So that’s what we looked like?
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Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Monica just destroyed the internet
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.