babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I love wikipedia
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
a god among men
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
twitter users today:
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”