The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.