me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
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I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong