Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?