watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
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I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.