The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
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Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.