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Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*me flirting
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.