4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
You Might Also Like
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Lol.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.