I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I hope this email finds you in a well
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
I am all good here, 😂😉
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus