My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.