I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS