Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
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I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Good morning.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.