The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
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[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
so i’m at the stock market right
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn