Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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Living the best life.. 😊
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.