Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
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I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”