*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
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corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
@funTweeters
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”