7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
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Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
incredible text to wake up to
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour