if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
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Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
These aliens are taking forever.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”