Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
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It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
can’t believe I got front row seats
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood