love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
This is always good for a laugh.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!