Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Oceanography is all about current events
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.