INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You Might Also Like
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.