mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
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Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread