ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
You Might Also Like
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
a god among men
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.