Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave