ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
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Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”