When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Sooo many times…..
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
awesome draft from months ago i just found