My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
the Monday after daylight savings
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day