Doctors texting each other.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.